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11/22/20 Toni (from photo)
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Last Friday, I participated in a
healing circle for Toni, who is struggling mightily against COVID-19. A cancer
survivor years ago, Toni is a fighter, but her foe is formidable. Fran, my long-time
yoga instructor and Toni’s sister, asked her students to join family and
friends in the circle to send healing energy to Toni.
The circle leader
had encouraged us to participate with prayer, meditation or “whatever was our
personal tradition.” I had never been to a healing circle before, let alone on
Zoom (what a bizarre platform for making a spiritual connection! Zoom feels
about as spiritual as the TV remote or an air conditioning unit!). The leader
had put on some music that I thought was weird (but maybe that music is
important to Toni? I guess I should listen). It lasted 20 minutes, and although
I tried hard, I felt uncomfortable and distracted the whole time.
Prayer? Meditation?
What is my “tradition”? I don’t have one. Of course, I meditate during yoga,
but that’s because Fran leads it! That’s why I take classes! I don’t know how
to meditate on my own. The participants that I could see all had their eyes
closed, deep in prayer or thought, but I didn’t even have the courage to turn
on my video because I didn’t want them to see how distracted I was.
At the end when we
were invited to share comments, I couldn’t turn on my audio. I didn’t have anything
I could say. Although Fran has told many stories about Toni so I have a general
sense of her as a person, I have never met her, so I didn’t even have an
anecdote about her to share. (Edited 12/4/20: Here's a blog post by Fran that taught me much about what Toni is all about.) Although I was hoping Toni would receive the healing
energy that I was trying to send, I felt I had failed her and her family. I
didn’t know how to make a spiritual connection with someone I hadn’t met, and I
spent the whole time thinking about how wrong I was doing it.
I thought about Toni
the rest of the day. I finally realized that whenever I draw something, I make
a connection with it – even if it’s a trash can, a head of garlic, or a stranger
on the bus. I realized then that I needed to draw Toni to connect with her.
In her blog posts
and email updates about Toni’s health, Fran has included many photos of Toni at
various ages. I don’t like to draw from photos, especially of people, and certainly
people I don’t know. It feels like an academic exercise to copy the paintings
of masters or simply duplicate an image. But it was all I had.
Studying Toni’s
face, I tried to channel Gary Faigin and the portrait workshop I took
from him last year. Faigin says that capturing a likeness is not about getting
every eyelash and other facial details exactly right. It’s far more important
to accurately gauge proportions and describe the planes of the face with shadow
and light. I tried my best to do that, but I also knew it was important to
capture her “essence.” It’s not enough to describe the shape of her radiant
smile – her essence is in the light behind the smile (Fran says Toni always
lights up the room with her presence).
In the reference photo,
she is wearing a pendant, barely visible, on a gold chain. It’s the kind of
detail that I might omit in a sketch. I noticed, though, that she is wearing
the same pendant in every adult photo I saw, whether she was dressed up for a
special occasion or in a tank top. In one photo, I could see that the pendant
holds someone’s portrait. If Toni always wears it – a face close to her heart –
it’s obviously special to her. It belonged in the drawing.
I had to stop many
times as I drew because I could not see through my tears. I don’t know if I
captured either likeness or essence, but I do know that I made the connection I
needed. All my healing energy went to Toni as I drew.
Most would say that the act of drawing is neither prayer nor
meditation, but it is obviously my personal tradition. Today I am thankful to
Toni for teaching me this.
Updated 11/28/20: Toni is not doing well. Here is her sister Fran's update.