Imposter

 

12/6/23 Green Lake Village

When I hear artists talk about feelings of doubt and lack of confidence, they occasionally use the term “imposter.” A YouTuber who often gives demos and sells drawing tutorials confessed that he sometimes has “imposter syndrome”: How could he be teaching others when he feels his own skills are lacking? I’ve heard other artists say that sharing art on social media sometimes makes them feel like they are only pretending that their work is worthy of sharing. Even those with hundreds of thousands of followers can be haunted by imposter syndrome. All of this got me thinking about what it means to be an imposter, defined as one who “pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others.”

Back in the ‘90s and early ‘00s, I worked as a marketing writer for a major high-tech company. I could go on and on about that experience – some of it good; a lot of it not – but I’ll limit myself to a particular period about a year before I left the company. I had become increasingly frustrated with management and disagreed with decisions that were being made. In a desperate attempt to reverse current business trends, my team’s vice president sent the entire team (probably more than 50 people) individually to various partners around the country to make presentations. Normally, my job wouldn’t call for this type of work, but it was an “all hands” command, and everyone was required to perform.

12/16/23 Wedgwood Starbucks

The work itself – giving presentations – caused enough anxiety, but even worse was that I didn’t believe what I was presenting. Time and again, I stood before an audience, pointing to a flipchart while saying things I didn’t believe were true – and I had to present the information persuasively, with confidence and conviction.

That’s what I call being and feeling like an imposter. (I started making plans to leave the company soon after.)

Sketching, on the other hand, is something I do that I believe is fully authentic. When I draw, I feel genuine. While jobs and other life decisions may have brought doubt or insecurity at times, drawing may be my most continually authentic act.

12/28/23 University Village

Feeling genuine when I draw is not the same as feeling like  a genuine “artist.” The latter is a term that I sometimes embrace, sometimes reject and sometimes just don’t care about one way or another (especially when others want to fit me into their slot of what an “artist” should be). Making art – not “being an artist” – is the part that’s real and honest.

That must be why I have never experienced imposter syndrome about my sketches. The work may or may not be worthy of sharing, but determining that is not my problem. It is who I am on the day that I share it. That’s what authenticity feels like.

12/29/23 Maple Leaf

12/29/23 Maple Leaf neighborhood

12/31/23 Maple Leaf